What do you think of this poem?

Death shook my hand in such a feminine way

Lied to slip like faith across the universe

A mass smiling in that decedent way

The clock strikes its finality like hammers to the anvil

Waking the universe for a blinking second

To mourn that passing of another labored soul

Born to rush unabated to death’s bosom

I grunt in that forget me not way

A soft epitaph to hide a deficient legend



I am death’s sweat upon the blasphemous hands of man

I am the last song dyeing on your lips

I am the deadly beat of every liar’s heart

I am the sweetest taste to hide this sour consequence



Did you know the hands that burned The Body?

That sat upon the forested artifact

Clasping hands in folded reverence to lay bare

Lies that scorched the counterfeit dogwood

Just another idle hand to grasp the idol calf

And make mockery of a noble gift

Sent to deliver the crying universe



Lies breathe smooth as truth

Pushed across the good intentioned tongue

Smiling as you hold that dainty hand

Sent to forge deceit within the hollows of all hearts

The heart that shatters still beats in a diseased way

Mocking the hope once held in secret chambers within

A careless stroke to bring a death by love

And oh how the universe wept

What do you think of this poem?
It started out promising....

The first two lines....

Then you (or whoever wrote the poem) began throwing inj

big words, and cramming thoughts together like a bunch of Sumo wrestlers in a Corvette.

It became difficult to follow and had no rhythm.

Sometimes we're tempted to put a lot into a poem because we have a lot to say at the time, but a poem isn't a novella.

I liked the first two lines and the last two lines.

The rest was too much----

too many subjects

too many big words that didn't fit

too many syllables



Pare it down.

You can make two or three good poems out of this bad one.